Life Coaching 101

I come from Kansas; a slow, languid little piece of “fly-over” country. We’re a bit behind the socio-ecological curve, and for the most part, prefer it to be that way. When I moved to Colorado, the State that houses the city of Boulder, without knowing it I immediately upgraded to a place that was ahead of that curve. For example, in Kansas, going to the bathroom and emitting our bodily waste was a daily part of our existence; how passé. I learned that in some parts of Colorado, defecation is considered "ungreen", and an affront to the environment; those that are sensitive to our Mother, Earth, hold it in, out of respect for the planet. Perhaps that is why most of them are so full of shit. Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Anyway, I’ve stumbled on to some things in Colorado that were heretofore unknown to this Midwestern farm boy; an example, the condition “gluten intolerance”. I was familiar with gluten, but couldn’t have told you much about it, including the notion that there are those that are intolerant of the stuff. The first night our restaurant was open, one of our first customers, (damn sure not Wally Reynolds), said that they were gluten intolerant. I asked, “What does that mean??” - Basically, no grains or grain products of any type – wheat, barley, rye, oats, no pasta. How do you survive in this world without being able to eat bread and pasta? Does this also mean no beer?? I was dumbfounded by this notion. (This isn’t to infer that being gluten intolerant isn’t a serious condition, or that those that are gluten intolerant are abnormal; my wonderment at this condition was more a function of me being ignorant, as I’d never been in the restaurant industry, and was also new to the State that includes Boulder.) So I am now tolerant of the gluten intolerant, however, it makes for tough menu planning when we’re doing a “Chef’s tasting” dinner.

Another new one to me, one that I didn’t run across living on the desolate plains of Shawnee, KS, was that there actually existed the paid profession of “Life Coach”. A Life Coach??? Isn’t that the role of a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a boss, a teacher or a friend? I soon learned that there are those who possibly had no parents, no spouses, no siblings, no bosses, no teachers or no friends to coach them, and by God, these individuals need to be coached; and there’s a market for that.

We entertained for dinner a group of ten people who had signed up with a Certified Life Coach for a mountain weekend of life coaching. They paid $1000 for the two-day experience. This fact alone tells me that they indeed do need some sort of coaching; maybe financial responsibility coaching, maybe common sense coaching, maybe even “yes, we’re certain you’ve lost your mind, but there’s still hope for you” coaching. When this group entered our establishment, I thought about having the “life coach” arrested. Taking money from these people for needing to be life coached was no different than a professional pickpocket hosting a “cash only” vacation to Las Vegas for a bunch of blind billionaires who’d also lost their sense of touch. A more obviously dysfunctional group I’d never seen. (I’m not intending to be mean, supercilious or insensitive – I’m just reporting the facts.) Again, that probably explains why these individuals felt they needed coaching. My guess is if you think you need a life coach, you probably do.

I explained that we’d be having a set small course menu, including a small salad, a gluten-laden ravioli appetizer, a fish dish, and Smoked Chicken Penne Pasta with Vodka Cream Sauce. Immediately, half of the group fidgeted noticeably and murmured amongst themselves. One in the group stood up and said “we don’t drink, and we don’t want vodka in our sauce”. I assured them that the vodka is cooked off in the preparation and there is no alcoholic content in the final sauce. Their collective bodily shaking and continual looking back and forth at each other for support told me that the vodka was still an issue – I reassured them that they’d have no vodka in their sauce, cooked-off or otherwise.

The group sat for dinner, and to describe them as an eclectic mix would shame any other group that would want to be described as an eclectic mix. (Talk about your celebrating diversity, and dammit, I’m all about celebrating diversity. Fishing, golf, drinking martinis, listening to music, and celebrating diversity – that’s me in a nutshell; and not necessarily in that order!) We had women who you’d see working at the Clinique counter at Nordstrom, and we had women who were the antithesis of who you’d see working at the Clinique counter at Nordstrom. There was a young, shy, heavily tattooed Goth girl that weighed maybe 80 pounds, and another who would have been a third, maybe even a second round, NFL draft pick for linebacker. You’d have made the Goth girl jump through the roof if you said “boo” to her – the lady linebacker would have thrown you through the roof if you said “boo” to her. It made for some interesting table waiting.

At one point, as Darin and I were delivering one of the courses, one of the guests loudly made a point to the rest of the table, saying “if all males were castrated at birth, there would be no violence in the world”. I wanted to chime in with my opinion that unsolicited castration might be considered a violent act, but I thought better of it and kept to my ‘seen but not heard’ table waiting. I also surreptitiously took the yet-to-be used knife from her place setting. Darin quickly excused himself and crept back into the kitchen, where I’m certain he slipped into his custom-made Kevlar codpiece. I got so nervous when waiting on her that I almost dropped the vodka-free chicken pasta down her back; however, had I actually made that mistake, the hair on her back fortunately would have kept her from noticing my spill and sending her on a frantic search for her missing table knife, with which she would have attempted a retaliatory castration.

Dinner ended with little fanfare, and the group huddled together and moved out into the night. I will give the life coach credit, as she seemed to have all of her charges in sync, functioning as a group, supporting each other, murmuring together, mutually avoiding eye contact with strangers, etc. The way they banded together and moved out of the hotel reminded me a little of the minimalist animation used in the South Park TV show. In fact, now that I think about it, I’ve seen this group and their foibles in the South Park TV show.

So, one more thing I can chalk up on my Colorado life experience board – there are people that feel the need to be coached, and there are those who, for a not-so nominal fee, will coach them. My guess is that if this particular life coach were to read this blog, she would gladly, and at no charge, coach me as to how I can take my opinion of her chosen profession and shove it up my you know what. Not a problem, as we don’t use our you-know-what’s in Colorado for you know what.