A Grand County 'Festivus for the Rest of Us!'

It was Saturday afternoon, June 6th, 2009, and I was walking Lucy along the south river road, where we would eventually turn west and begin the slow 2000’ ascent up the Parshall Divide. It is a fabulous walk, one that takes you on mild switchbacks past open- range cattle fields, up through heavy pine forests, and eventually onto an open plain, blanketed in the summer with golden lupine, yellow daisies, bluebells and fire-orange Devil’s paintbrush, that overlooks Byers Canyon and the Colorado River. The climb sucks your breath away, and then the view at the top renders you speechless. I love living here.

New to me this day on a walk that I take quite regularly was an inordinate amount of people fishing the Colorado. They weren’t the usual genteel, split-cane rod, Orvis wader-clad crowd that flick and peck at this section of river. They were, well, a little rough; rougher than I’d ever seen fishing the Colorado. I felt for a moment that I was back in Missouri; down on an Ozark tributary, watching locals angle for mud feeders with a large rod, a larger reel and a treble hook full of stink bait. I walked past one of these anglers, and was impressed by his fighting a fish that he had hooked downstream. Further downstream, I witnessed another fisherman who was hard at landing what appeared to be a huge fish that he’d hooked upstream. “Wow”, I thought, I see fly fisherman by the hundreds who do nothing but dab their dry flies at this water, never to fight, never to land.

Lucy’s reticence to progress on our walk, and her insistence at sniffing the riverbank Black Sage, allowed me the opportunity to watch both of these anglers land their respective catches. Except neither had hooked a trout, rather, they’d hooked each others weighted night crawler rigs, and were now cursing each other back and forth, engaged in a heated piscatorial pissing contest. I then noticed that upstream fisherman “A” had a serious pile of empty Rainer beer cans at his feet; downstream fisherman “B” had a 1.75 Liter bottle, (in Grand County, it’s referred to as an ‘Afternoon-er’) of Seagram’s 7 resting at the base of his folding chair. My mind suddenly clicked onto the realization that June 6th & 7th was in fact “Free Fishing Weekend” in Colorado, i.e. ‘No Fishing License necessary Weekend!’; a weekend that apparently tends to bring out a different, less genteel crowd.

This got me to thinking; the week following ‘Free Fishin’ Days’ is Hot Sulphur Springs Days – which is just a bit of a redneck fest. Hot Sulphur Springs Days is followed the next weekend by Kremmling Days - Kremmling being the next major town west of Hot Sulphur. Kremmling is lovingly referred to by many in Grand County as ‘Krem-tucky’; not sure why, except that it might have something to do with the shooting, hunting, drinking and cross-pollination habits of some of the towns constituents.

Another “oh, by the way” funny little thing about our neighborhood involves a stretch of State land between Hot Sulphur and Kremmling; the largest State maintained shooting range in the State of Colorado – a veritable Candy Land for gun-toting, trigger happy Coloradans. This thing stretches on for a full quarter-mile – plenty of parking spots for the Ford F-150’s, and endless racks for the hanging of torso targets, paper enemies just waiting to be obliterated by Coloradoans armed with the firepower necessary to make continual hay upon these faceless phantoms. These are my neighbors; and like the view from atop the Parshall Divide, I love them too.

Being the natural born entrepreneur and marketer that I am, my thoughts run to developing a big, week-long start of the summer Grand County Festival, involving free fishing, the two city historical celebrations, alcohol and guns. Let’s be honest with ourselves, Grand Countians! Hot Sulphur Springs and Kremmling Days are nice, and usually well attended by the locals, but if you want to make a big splash, and draw not only people from Grand County and the Front Range, but people from all over the US, nay I say, from all over the world, you combine all that Grand County has to offer, throw in the booze and Beretta factor, and you’ve got the potential for a genuine Redneck Woodstock.

Just imagine it! Right now at Hot Sulphur Days we have a couple of crafts booths, a Hot Sulphur Chamber of Commerce booth, and some local churches selling hot dogs, kettle corn and kiddies face painting. Nice, but where is the maximum benefit for the city and the county in a deal like that? In my vision of what could be for the ‘Fish, Shoot & Swill Fest’ in Grand County, picture Mr. Jack Daniels himself, puttin’ on a big old soiree right next to the Remington Shotgun booth, across the way from the Seagrams tent, around the corner from the Ruger .44 Magnum exhibit, which happens to be next to the Bacardi & Coke Pavilion – light on the Coke, please.

Face painting? Nice, but we’ll go that one better with the Hustler Body Painting Contest. Kiddie carnival rides? Sure, we’ve got those, but how about muddin’ over the Parshall Divide in a monster Dodge Ram 4x4 while you’re blasting away at off-season Trophy Elk with an AA-12? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zlWplfLQ2E
Doubt we could get the current Prez to acknowledge and give tele-prompter time to this confab, but I’m thinking “W” might be available to show and sign a few autographs. We might even get old Slick Willie in to judge at the Hustler Body Painting booth – I bet he’d waive his usual $50k fee, and he’d leave the Mrs. at home to boot; might be a little bit of a risk bringing her around all those cowboys with AA-12’s anyway.

So I’m working on this, and I’m open to ideas. It means big food, beverage and lodging revenues for all of the merchants in Hot Sulphur Springs – not to mention a long term financial boon to all of the vendors who would be able to build a lifelong customer base right here in the heart of guns and guzzle country. Local Taxidermists could get fat as well. The county would get enough extra revenue from the festival weeks’ DUI convictions that they could afford to pay their fair share of the Hot Sulphur water bill. Only downside I can see is that we might have to budget for bringing in some extra EMT’s from neighboring counties; might also need some Haz-Mat people to help clean the hot springs pools –that’s but a small price to pay for having “Fish, Shoot & Swill” becoming a part of our national lexicon.